Parenting, brought to you by the letter "F"

When a child fails, actively tries to fail, what does that tell a parent?

Have I done everything I can, as a parent, to help him succeed? Or have I, in some small way, wanted him to fail. Because if he fails, then he can't leave. And I'm so not ready for him to leave. I'm not done yet.

I had so many things I wanted to do, as a mother. So many things I wanted to teach him, and show him, and do with him. But even more, its about me and where I am, what I've done, what I need. I'm not ready to be the mother of adult children. I'm not ready to release them out into the world. I haven't finished. I certainly haven't done my job to the best of my ability.

I've fucked up SO many times and in SO many ways. I haven't had a chance to fix everything, to get it right. They haven't had the childhood I pictured for them when I was a kid. They've been short-changed in so many ways.

This is NOT a plea for pats on the back, chants of "you're a great mom", solicited strokes to my ego. This is me seriously panicking. I'm that mother you hear about in therapy. The fucked up mom who never got it together. Two failed marriages, five kids, moving every few years, changing careers, struggling to pay bills, even a few years on public assistance... I think Augusten Burroughs wrote a book or two about me. I'm a mess.

I always thought there was time. Time to pull it together, figure things out, become who I was going to grow up to be. And still, I feel like that scared teenager who's father died and then went off to college in another state, trying so hard to leave myself and my past behind and turn into someone else. Only, I never finished that. I'm still trying to become someone, anyone. And so, I've become no one.

I turn 40 in 3 months. I could be turning 16 for all the self-confidence I have.

I love my kids, there's no question there. But that's far from enough. Not even close. I'm so sorry kids. You got so screwed over in the parent department!!