I have been struggling off and on with depression in one form or another a few years now. 2006 is a black hole in my life. A year I am so glad to leave behind me, that I don't even like to think about it. The abyss. A nightmare. Hell.
I spent 2007 just trying to figure out if I wanted to stay alive, and how to best go about doing that. My focus was surviving each day while trying to pretend that everything was fine. While raising 5 children. Alone. Again. I got to travel to China with my mom for work. By the end of the year, I'd started to finally lose some weight (I'd ballooned up to 220 lbs.) I was hopeful that 2008 would be better.
January 2008 I was chosen to be a contestant in a local radio station weight loss contest. It meant being on the radio and being featured on their website. I got compliments. The morning DJ told me repeatedly how fun I was to interview. In 3 months I lost 28 lbs. I came in 2nd place, but felt like a winner. I started to think that maybe, just maybe I was going to survive this afterall. I felt a glimmer of hope.
I took on 2009 head-on. I was convinced it was going to be "my year" - my year to finally reclaim myself, lose the last of the weight, and start really living again. Instead, I struggled. I did things like skydiving, white water rafting, trips to Disneyland with the kids. But internally I wasn't were I thought I should be. I cried a lot. I ate emotionally. I felt stress that I didn't think I had. The depression that I was convinced was gone, was still there. It would abate for days, even weeks at a time. And then when I wasn't looking, smack me upside the head. Hard.
Last year wasn't what I expected. I feel like I accomplished nothing. I left 2009 10 lbs heavier than I started it. Which completely baffles me. I work out 5-7 days a week. I run 4 of those days. I eat mostly fruits, veggies and lean meats. I have recently discovered I'm allergic to gluten, my doctor confirmed this today. I have eliminated it completely from my diet almost two weeks ago. Nothing.
I'm now going through blood work and the steps to figure out what's going on. My life is in a good place. I should be happy. At peace. While life isn't perfect, it's definitely going in the right direction. I think I'm hopeful. I feel hopeful. And yet, my body feels heavy. Tired. Physically depressed. I don't know why. It could be as simple as my thyroid. My mom has hypothyroid, and I certainly have all the symptoms. My hormones could be way off. Some kind of chemical imbalance.
I just feel "off". Out of sorts. Not myself. Not "right".
This totally sucks.
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2 Leavin' me some love!:
Let me first say I am sorry you are going through this. Depression is something I struggled with (and still do at times) for 6 years.
While you may have done this already, I would strongly recommend some form of cognitive behavioural therapy. I had anti-depressants, counselling, self-help books, exercise and diet programmes and it was only CBT that gave me the tools I needed to get through life and finally beat my depression.
It helps you build all the foundations you need to move forward and is designed individually for you. Even if you've tried it before, I'd really encourage you to give it another go. Because it relies on people doing most of the work themselves with guidance and instruction from a clinician, you have to be ready for it.
I really hope you find a path that will help you get through this. I'm rooting for you.
Katy x
Ok, you know I know exactly how you feel. Our situations are different, yes... but your description of depression isn't any different than mine. My thyroid was tested too... It's fine. My imbalance is all chemical. It's hard to deal with because as a mom, you feel like you're supposed to just have it all together but life throws curve balls and we don't always catch them.
Zoloft was a God-send. My doctor deserves a huge hug. I am so happy again. Weight loss is easy. I'm confident. I'm not able to control the whole world like I want to but I'm okay with it now. Zoloft has changed my life.
Is it a false happy because I'm on meds? I don't really care. I make it through the day without bursting into tears over the simplest things. I'll take FEELING a false happy over just pretending.
You do need to talk to your doctor about how you're feeling. It might not be something you can regulate on your own. Mine is definitely out of my control. I can feel now what "normal" seratonin levels are supposed to feel like... and my natural ones are much, much, much lower.
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